A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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