You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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