Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
