I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I should be sponsored by Trojan
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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