My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
