went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
