i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
