My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
