All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I still have a little drunk in my system
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
