i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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