I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
