I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
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