Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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