3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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