We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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