Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
