It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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