im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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