Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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