if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
