Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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