I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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