I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
