So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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