twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
