I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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