New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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