I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
