If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
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