Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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