it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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