I was born with a shot glass in my hand
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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