Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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