You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Randomize
