cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
