i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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