I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
