I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
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I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude