So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
