Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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