holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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