Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
