the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish they made helmets for livers.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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