my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
