I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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