We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
