mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The maid of honor just puked.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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