We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
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some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
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I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
We need a shit load of segways right now
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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