they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
