Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
