she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
