Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
