i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
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