My liver just broke up with me...
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
i think im in europe. pls send help
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
