You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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