That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
