I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
