I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
